A Jerk of the Heart or Maybe the Knee

this constant clinging,

this constant craving,

is maybe just adoration

an adoration that grows under your skin

and it has to do with fear of loneliness

of abandonment

of

living gods

casting shadows on our ground

our ground

stained

by immigrants and natives

and I know the adoration is worse

because

I put so much heart above our bed

I left it hanging from pendulums and barbed wire.

Before the Doors Swing Open and Shut

church steps

catholic and cement

beer gut husbands

two steps in front

of their wives in bare

legs and skirts and

spiked heels

that send me

an echoing and

concrete code

and I have to wonder

if God looks

at all those

legs and hears

those heels

the same way I do.

Homogenous Kaleidoscope

the new neighborhood

the new houses

the new trees

the new cars,

the new minivans

the bodies,

thin and thick

and the faces are varying

shades of white and

almost

interchangeable.

and I remember

when I was

a child, how

I thought all Asians looked

exactly the same

Calling

and some have

felt that tug

from God

or purpose

and have

lived a life

full of meaning

and it's all

worked out

nice and neat

childhood, college

career, family,

comfortable retirement.

and there are others

like me and I sure

as hell hope most

are like me.

I've never heard God

call me by name.

I've tried to find

a purpose and

I used to drink and

fuck my way

searching for meaning

and yes,

I have a family

I have a career

but it's not the

career I chose

and retirement,

I can't even think about

retirement.

people like me,

who crash through life

retirement comes

along with death

and maybe then

God will call me by my name.